I actually forced myself to the Y yesterday & had a decent 30 minute cardio workout. Managed to leave the place feeling good about my workout & not feeling awful about myself. Nice. I didn't do so hot in the afternoon though - some brownie batter, a little bacon bread, wasn't really hungry for dinner. I guess looking at it in writing, I did way better than I would have at a super bowl party so that's something to feel good about.
I'm anxious to see how this blog to lose thing works out. I really feel the need for support from a community who gets my situation. I spent a fortune last year on nutrtionists, trainers & psychologists - to no avail. I'm really not any further ahead in understanding my food & weight related issues than I was before.
Might be helpful to tell my whole story.... I went on my first diet around the age of 8 - I remember it distinctly at 1200 calories per day. It didn't work. By the time I was a sophomore in high school I was pudgy. Like most of the other blogs I've read, I look back on those pictures and think I looked fine. But I didn't think that at the time. My mom battled her weight as far back as I can recall - I remember Nutrisystem, Jennie Craig, the grapefruit diet, cabbage soup diet, calorie counting, etc. all as a vivid part of my childhood. History repeats itself, no doubt. My dad is tall & never struggled with weight until his mid 60s. Now he is 75 & its a problem, but add it to the list - he is diabetic so the list is long.
Anyway, I decided my junior year of high school that I wanted to go to west Point. I took the physical & failed because of my weight. Took the fitness test & failed because of my weight. Then I got serious - my parents hired me a personal trainer. I lost a lot of weight - I can't remember how much - maybe 60 lbs, became a gym rat & got into West Point. I loved how I looked & felt at that time in my life - I could wear anything - wasn't afraid of a swimsuit.
I entered West Point probably around 130 labs - I'm about 5'6" and not a slender frame so that was probably a bit light for my ideal. I took care of that though by gaining back about 60-70 lbs during my plebe year. I also managed to fail the fitness tests again. By the end of my plebe year, my parents had to fly up to West Point to meet with the director of physical fitness & convince him to give me a year off to get my shit together.
They were successful - I went home for a year, became a gym rat, got back in shape & used the same trainer I had before. Lost the weight & went back to West Point. This time I managed to stay on the hairy edge (on the good side of the edge) and not get kicked out. We had weigh ins 2x/semester and fitness tests 2x/year. Somehow I survived all of them - passing the weigh ins by having acceptable body fat measurements, not by meeting the height weight charts. I think I weighed around 160 when I graduated. Again, I look back & think I looked amazing.
I managed to do fairly well maintaining - really yo-yoing more than actually maintaining for my first few years in the Army. I was single then when I got engaged, I looked at the pictures & thought holy shit I am not looking this way for my wedding. I was probably pushing 200 lbs, 24 years old. I tackled it again - this time with Weight Watchers & lost about 70 lbs. We had to reschedule our wedding due to deployments & one of my most vivid memories is going to my parents' house for our wedding & being afraid to try on my wedding dress because I had gained 10-15 lbs during the delay. Thank god it fit. And I love how I look in my wedding pics.
We got out of the army so they stopped weighing me every 6 months. What a relief. I maintained somewhere between 170-180 for 3 or 4 years til I had my first daughter at age 30. After she was born I slowly gained a few pounds each year. In 2006 I had my second daughter at age 35. Here is a memory I have never said out loud - I had a C-section - after she was delivered & my husband left the operating room, the doctor was putting my back together. He asked the nurse anesthetist if she knew how to get the fat from my abdomen back in so he could close the incision. I'm sure he didn't know I heard that let alone remember it but it haunts me almost daily. I was around 240 labs at that point I think.
I kept gaining over the next few years, finally reaching 269 labs in the spring of 2010. I went to the Y & hired a trainer which helped a lot. I even quit drinking diet coke for a while. I lost about 20 lbs thru the exercise routine but it was so hard to fit it in with 2 little kids & a full time job. It was a constant struggle. At my birthday in 2011 I decided enough was enough & went to Medi Weight Loss. It was drastic - no carbs - like zero - and about 600 calories per day. The best part was it worked. I thought it worked because of the weekly check in with the nutritionists. Looking back I think it worked because it was so drastic. I did great on Medi & by the end of 2011 was below 200 for the first time in a long long time. I had actually decided that I was at my goal & was transitioning into maintenance which adds back carbs & calories gradually to find equilibrium. I looked amazing, I was wearing size 12 clothes.
Then I got diagnosed with cancer. Ewing's sarcoma to be exact - its deadly, aggressive, and very very rare. Thankfully I live near Vanderbilt so was able to get great medical help. I allowed cancer to take my mind off of my weight. I criticize myself non stop for this great mistake, but realistically I think 99/100 people in my situation would have done the same thing.
During my year with cancer, chemo, surgery & radiation I gained back about 50 lbs. Talk about depressing. Here I was glad to be alive & so proud of having beaten cancer but I lost the healthy athletic body I had worked so hard for.
Since then I have tried several things - back to Medi didn't work - I don't want to be deprived. Nutritionist didn't work - I cheated. Pscyhologist didn't work - I don't think I was honest with her & she didn't make me get it all out on the table - like the C-section story - this stuff needs to get OUT of me so I can heal & move on. I don't lose, I keep gaining a little at a time. I'm 272 lbs right now, dress size 18W.
I love food, I love cooking, its fun for me - especially with my family. Its the way I take care of people. I don't want to be a size 12 or 180 lbs, but I do want to be healthy. I want to have a healthy relationship with food and more importantly a healthy view of myself. I want to stop torturing and beating myself up, stop over criticizing myself. Many times a day I think to myself wow I'm so good at work, so good at being a mommy & wife, but I suck at fitness and at self control. Always that damn but.
I'm hoping blog to lose, the book Eat.Q., and some other resources will help me be nice to myself. And that, in turn, will empower me to make the lifestyle changes I need to lose about 50 lbs. If I get to 220 then I will reassess & decide where to go from there.
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